Input requested: "I see fire" song translation draft

[Atoro]

Hey warriors -

This is my first post - I've been working on a translation of Ed Sheeran's "I see fire". It's helpful to me to work through songs and my intent is to record this to help with my pronunciation. I think my syntax and tenses are right for the most part but would really appreciate if any of you could look through to see if/where I'm amiss. I tried to largely hold to the original lyrics but changed where I thought it necessary for rhyme-scheme and/or Dothraki-perspective. The format below is: original lyrics / Dothraki / intended meaning.

Much appreciate any assistance!

Best,
Atoro

Oh, misty eye of the mountain below   /   Tihi Maisi krazaajisoon   /   [eyes of the Mother of Mountains]
Keep careful watch of my brothers' souls   /   vitihiras leisi gaezoon   /   [watch out for the brother's souls]
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke   /   hash vorsa ma fih nirrae asavva   /   [if fire and smoke fill the sky]
Keep watching over Durin's sons   /   zin, loshas rizhi Vezhofoon   /   [still, guard the Great Stallions's sons]

If this is to end in fire   /   hash hazi nakho she vorsa   /   [If this ends in fire]
Then we should all burn together   /   kisha jif avirsalaki   /   [we should burn]
Watch the flames climb high into the night   /   tihas vorsakhi ee yath she ajjalan   /   [see the flames go up into the night]
Calling out father oh   /   donas 'Vezhof ave'   /   [Call out 'Great Stallion, father']
Stand by and we will   /   hethkas, sek ai   /   [Prepare, yes I obey]
Watch the flames burn auburn on   /   tihas vorsakhi veltori   /   [see the yellow flames]
The mountain side   /   she rayan   /   [on the summit]

And if we should die tonight   /   Hash kisha adrivolaki   /   [If we are going to die]
Then we should all die together   /   niyanqoy, kisha ven at   /   [together, we are as one]
Raise a glass of wine for the last time   /   rai haj yeraan, ha nakhaan   /   [A strong cheer to you, for the last time]
Calling out father oh   /   donas 'Vezhof ave'   /   [Call out 'Great Stallion, father']
Stand by and we will   /   hethkas, sek ai   /   [Prepare, yes I obey]
Watch the flames burn auburn on   /   tihas vorsakhi veltori   /   [see the yellow flames]
The mountain side   /   she rayan   /   [on the summit]
Desolation comes upon the sky   /   athohharar jadae yeraan   /   [Defeat comes to you]

Now I see fire   /   Vorsa garvoe   /   [fire becoming hungry]
Inside the mountain   /   sek she krazaaj   /   [yes inside the mountain]
I see fire   /   Vorsa ivezhoe   /   [fire growing fierce]
Burning the trees   /   jin fasqoyi   /   [this destiny]
And I see fire   /   zin vorsa garvoe   /   [still becoming hungry]
Hollowing souls   /   yath asavvaan   /   [up toward the sky]
I see fire   /   vorsa ivezhoe   /   [fire growing fierce]
Blood in the breeze   /   Rivvas chaf qoyi   /   [Smell the bloody wind]
And I hope that you remember me   /   jalan atthirari anni   /   [moon of my life]

Oh, should my people fall   /   hash khalasar nakhoe   /   [If the tribe ends]
Then surely I'll do the same   /  Anha anakho akka   /   [I will end also]
Confined in mountain halls   /   khal aziganesoe?   /   [Does the king resist?]
We got too close to the flame   /   khaleesi, khalakka?   /   [The queen, the prince?]
Calling out father oh   /   donas 'Vezhof ave'   /   [Call out 'Great Stallion, father']
Stand by and we will   /   hethkas, sek ai   /   [Prepare, yes I obey]
Watch the flames burn auburn on   /   tihas vorsakhi veltori   /   [see the yellow flames]
The mountain side   /   she rayan   /   [on the summit]
Desolation comes upon the sky   /   athohharar jadae yeraan   /   [Defeat comes to you]

Now I see fire   /   Vorsa garvoe   /   [fire becoming hungry]
Inside the mountain   /   sek she krazaaj   /   [yes inside the mountain]
I see fire   /   Vorsa ivezhoe   /   [fire growing fierce]
Burning the trees   /   jin fasqoyi   /   [this destiny]
And I see fire   /   zin vorsa garvoe   /   [still becoming hungry]
Hollowing souls   /   yath asavvaan   /   [up toward the sky]
I see fire   /   vorsa ivezhoe   /   [fire growing fierce]
Blood in the breeze   /   Rivvas chaf qoyi   /   [Smell the bloody wind]
And I hope that you remember me   /   jalan atthirari anni   /   [moon of my life]

And if the night is burning   /   hash ajjalan avirsa   /   [if the night burns]
I will cover my eyes   /   Ei tih ma zhor jon   /   [every eye and heart closed]
For if the dark returns  /   eyak vasta "finne   /   [Everyone will ask "where]
Then my brothers will die   /   gaezosi anhoon?"   /   [are my brothers?"]
And as the sky is falling down   /   kash asavva nem ohar   /   [While the sky fell]
It crashed into this lonely town   /   rhojosor anni kovar   /   [My family stood]
And with that shadow upon the ground   /   jaqqa jad, ma Anha jar   /   [death came, and I flinched]
I hear my people screaming out   /   san awazi, zin Anha char   /   [So many screams, still I hear]

Now I see fire   /   Vorsa garvoe   /   [fire becoming hungry]
Inside the mountain   /   sek she krazaaj   /   [yes inside the mountain]
I see fire   /   Vorsa ivezhoe   /   [fire growing fierce]
Burning the trees   /   jin fasqoyi   /   [this destiny]
And I see fire   /   zin vorsa garvoe   /   [still becoming hungry]
Hollowing souls   /   yath asavvaan   /   [up toward the sky]
I see fire   /   vorsa ivezhoe   /   [fire growing fierce]
Blood in the breeze   /   Rivvas chaf qoyi   /   [Smell the bloody wind]
And I hope that you remember me   /   jalan atthirari anni   /   [moon of my life]

I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)   /   Vorsa ivezhoe ( Anha tih vorsa evoon)   /   [fire growing fierce (I saw fire all along]
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)   /   Vorsa garvoe (nithak she ilek anni)   /   [Fire growing hungry (feel on my skin)]
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)   /   Vorsa ivezhoe (vorsa)   /   [fire growing fierce (fire)]
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side   /   tihas vorsakhi veltori she rayan   /   [see the yellow flames on the summit]

[Khal_Qana]

Christ almighty! This is one hell of a post to wake up to 

As soon as I get dressed and showered and such, I'll look over it!

[Khal_Qana]

Howdy!

So I understand that you want to keep to a rhyme scheme in your translation, buuuut I would suggest that you ditch that idea and just do a literal translation; to stay true to the intended emotion the songwriter had when they wrote the lyrics. If you want a rhyming song then just make your own song 

[Atoro]

This is more of a re-imagining than a direct translation. The original is set in the context of The Hobbit, so I wanted to re-imagine this in a way that could feel organic to the Dothraki. If you see any missteps in grammar/cases etc I'd be eager to know them. Much thanks.

[Khal_Qana]

Well I've looked over your translation and I think you did a fantastic job! There are no glaring errors in grammar that I can see, and the slight bending of the rules in order to get a nice rhytmic feel and rhyme scheme to it is totally fine. Since when has music ever been grammatically correct anyways?

We don't need no education
I can't get no satisfaction
When I hear dat hotline bling
I try to stay awake but its 58 hours since that I last slept with you

It's all fair in art and war, ammirite? Again, nice job and keep up the good work!

Choyosor