OK. Let's look thought this first one.
Just a general sidenote: The first thing I'd recommend to do when trying to translate a text is to try to unfold it to as prosaic form as possible. You might like to eventually retain some of the neat snappy language of the original, but as a first step this at least should tell you, what you are saying. Dothraki is not a cipher of English. You can't expect to have all the same fields of meaning, all the same syntactic shortcuts, all the same implications in the subtext. More than words always translate the meaning. The meaning is more apparent, if you manage to look past the syntactic trickery of the language you are translating from.
I think here we have more or less "When it is spoken, it immediately breaks. What is it?". This is just an alalyzis method, but helps a lot in pinpointing, what the words are doing in the syntax.The word selection is mostly good. I like the solution to approximate the nasty-ish "no sooner" with simple "now", though there might be other passable solutions like
disse. But
vasterat does not ring right to me. It's durative derivation from
astat,
to say, so it moves the meaning to a continuous action, longer time period or wider context. Compare to
tihat,
to look, to see->
vitiherat,
to stare, to examine or
elat,
to go ->
verat,
to travel. With
vasterat I get the feeling you're trying to say something akin to "As soon as there's been a conversation about it, it's broken." The difference between
astat and
astolat is a bit foggy, but astat would be the best bet, IMO. [Another sidenote: considering that the example sentence in
astolat looks to be negative of
astat wrongly interpreted, I wonder, if we have any solid knowledge of the word
astolat]
Creating sentences is a tricky task, and this is no straightforward text you are trying to translate. "
Fini me?" is, I think, right. "
Fini jini", "what is this" might work as well, but does not sound as promising.
Both Dothraki and English are non-pro-drop languages, so you can't generally go "Love the shoes. Where did buy them?", you need to use the pronouns "I love the shoes. Where did you buy them?". This is not an absolute rule though, and for example in both English and Dothraki you can in straightforward situations drop a repeating subject, thus saying "I'll hunt rabbits and make food" instead of "I'll hunt rabbits and I'll make food." There are a lot of colloquial and poetic freedoms too, and actually English "Love the shoes." is quite alright given the right discourse. "No sooner spoken than broken." is a radically pro-dropping sentence (or sentence fragment?). You might hope it works for the same slogan-like quality in Dothraki, but if you want to go even slightly on the safe side, add pronouns - at least the first one.
What about the verbs? You can't write much dothraki without worrying about what exactly the verbs are doing, because in Dothraki verbs conjugate way more than in English. The first sentence is not "No sooner it spoke", it's "no sooner it is spoken" - it is a passive sentence (and a positive grade present tense third person singular, to be exact), but the copula got dropped with the subject. Dothraki passive works different than English. It uses a particle thingie I like to call
verbal auxiliary. It's rather unlikely you'd manage to maintain anything about the passive if you dropped it. If you desperately wanted to arrive at some kind of truncated form, you might borrow the trick from participles and smash it to the front of the verb, but I doubt you aspire to such adventurous stylistical depths.
In Dothraki the normal place for adverbs (
ajjin here works as an adveb) is sentence final, but they can be fronted for emphasis and here I think the placement is easily defendable.
...I'm cutting this short here, as I gotta go, but we are arriving towards
Ajjin me nem asta, me nem assamva, though I wasn't exactly gonna stop there.
Anha vasterak. Ajjin me samvaan. Fini me?
This works pretty well too, though of course I'd recommend
astak instead of
vasterak and
samvaan is just some bizarre misunderstanding, as allative is noun case and won't work for neither verbs (verb would be needed there and should be
samvalat, though samva looks a bit irregular, so I can't swear on that) nor adjectives.