Radio Station looking for Dothraki speakers

[DEACRaki]

Hi there

I'm a radio producer and I'm looking for somebody who can speak Dothraki to help us translate some song lyrics into Dothraki, and we'd very much like to speak to a Dothraki speaker on the telephone on the radio show.

We're a national radio station called Absolute Radio and we'd love to chat to somebody on the phone if somebody is up for that?

Is anybody able to help or can you point me in the right direction?

Thanks

[Hrakkar]

I have volunteered to do this task, and the song they asked me to translate was "I'm gonna be" by a Scottish group called "The Proclaimers". Its kind of a fun love song, but expresses a powerful sentiment I think we would all desire in a relationship. Here is a music video of the song being performed by an American group in Scotland:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF563v8nkiw

One nice thing about this song is nice, long melodic lines that leave room for extra syllables. Due to the tendency of Dothraki to have long words, this is good, even though you might find some lines need to be 'rapped'. As such, I have not made much of an attempt to make the Dothraki lyrics fit the music, although some words could be dropped (they are in parenthesis) to shorten the lines. In general, although I did try to keep the lines short, I favored grammatical correctness over shortness.

One word that may not be familiar to US English speakers is 'haver'. You will see it used as a verb ''have' and as a gerund 'havering'. It means 'mumble', 'speak sweet nothings', etc. Lacking any suitable words in Dothraki, I used the rather awkward 'speak sweetly' (astok k'athgizikhvenari) in its place. "dream' also did not result in a neat translation, as it is a rather long form in Dothraki (thirat atthiraride - lit. 'live a wooden life'). I suggest that after the first occurrence, it could be dropped to just 'atthiraride' (or maybe just 'thirak').

Verse 3 has two extra lines than were not supplied to me in the original off-site post. It seemed odd that this verse was two lines shorter than the others. But the aforementioned music video had the missing two lines, so I added them, and translated them.

In any case, I am throwing this open to the community to critique it, and improve upon it. (For some reason, my translation ability for either Naʼvi or Dothraki stinks!) I did have to take liberties with some words, or adjust them for Dothraki culture ('sick' for 'dunk', 'sad' for 'lonely', 'do task' for 'work', 'tent'  for 'home', 'feet' for 'door', 'silver' for 'money'  etc.), but it doesn't hurt the meaning that much. So, here goes!



The Proclaimers - I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
                  Anha Avekhak (Mekken Karlina)


Verse 1
 
When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha yathok sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz yathok qisi yeraan


When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha dothrak sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz dothrak yeri


If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be
Hash Anha zhikhak sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz zhikh qisi yeraan


And if I have yeah I know I'm gonna be
Ma hash Anha astok (k'athgizikhvenari) sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz astok (k'athgizikhvenari) yeraan



Refrain
 
But I would walk 500 miles
Vosma Anha laz ifak mekken karlina

And I would walk 500 more
Ma Anha laz ifak mekken alikh

Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
Disse vekhak mahrazh haz if dalen karlina

To fall down at your door
arthasak (zohhe) she yeri rahe


Verse 2

When I'm working yes I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha tak thikh sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz tak thikh chek (ha) yeraan


And when the money comes in for the work I'll do
Ma arrek vizhadi ha thikhaan anha atak

I'll pass almost every penny on to you
Anha azhak yeraan chir ei (vizhad)


When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha jadak okraan sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz essalak okraan yeraan


And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
Ma hash Anha vitisherak foz sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz vitisherak foz ma yeroon


Verse 3
 
When I'm lonely yes I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha khezhak sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz khezhak oma yeroon


When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream
Arrek Anha thirak atthiraride sek (Anha) nesak Anha (thirak) atthiraride

Dream about the time when I'm with you
(thirak) atthiraride qisi kashi arrek Anha ma yeroon


When I go out well I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha dothrak sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who's going out with you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz dothrak yeri


When I go home well I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha jadak okraan haz sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

I'm gonna be the man who's comin'in home to you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz vessalak okraan yeraan


Critique away!
Hrakkar

[Qvaak]

Geez. A radio show thing too. A lot of stuff going on all of sudden. Good luck, Hrakkar. I hope it'll be fun. But it isn't even the first time you are in the public eye/ear as a Dothraki learner, so I'm guessing you'll do fine.

But I'm the resident grammarian, so I'll do what I do. This is a lengthy text, so I'll start at the beginning and we'll see if I get through before the show is done (it's not done yet, is it?).

The Proclaimers - I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
Anha Avekhak (Mekken Karlina)

Unlike any other known verb in Dothraki, vekhat sets the subject in a non-nominative case, namely into genitive. So this should be Anni Avekhak.
Like every other known verb in Dothraki, vekhat does not really work well here, though. Zero-copula sentences are the most prominent exotic feature of Dothraki, and sentences like "I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you" do very much require a zero-copula translation (or something not direct, of course). The usual way to say "I'm gonna be the man" is Anha mahrazhaan, but for clarity or emphasis you can add a fronted verb elat: Ek anha mahrazhaan. This gives one possible option for translating "I'm gonna be" at least somewhat closely as Ek Anha (literally "Go I").
Vekhat is "to be" in an existence sense. Anni avekhak to me sounds like "I'll be there/here/present". Would be kinda fitting for Friends theme song, but I'm not sure, how well it fits here.

When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha yathok sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

Using arrek seems odd, since we have ahhaz for close future stuff and I would think this is about the close future, the very next time you'll wake up, not just some indeterminate future time you'll wake up. But then again, maybe this really is more generally about any time you wake up ("whenever I wake up"), and maybe arrek is actually much better choice. OK. You convinced me.
I don't really know, if yathok should be in future tense. I kinda think it might need to be. Or the present tense might be additional commitment to the general tone interpretation of the sentence.
Dothraki doesn't do reduced clauses (AFAIK), so while in English you don't need to say "I know that I'm gonna be", in Dothraki you must. This does not, however, require extra syllables here: Anha nesak m'anha avekhak. If we go with my elat proposition, we get Anha nesak m'ek anha, I think.

I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz yathok qisi yeraan

"who wakes up next to you" is a normal relative clause, so a relative pronoun is needed, not a demonstrative. And the verb should be in third person, just as it is in English. Prepositions set the case of the word they modify. You need to know - or rather check - the right case, so there's no need to puzzle about them, and yeraan is definitely in a wrong case. With my proposed corrections we have more or less:
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin yathoe qisi yer.

When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek Anha dothrak sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

Yep. Nothing new to comment, really. The use of Dothralat is certainly a bit of departure from the original, but seems OK to me.

I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz dothrak yeri

Nice use of next to verb class.

If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be
Hash Anha zhikhak sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

Hash when used to facilitate if...then structure should be paired: Hash anha zhikhak hash (anha) nesak ...

I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz zhikh qisi yeraan

Zhikh is without any suffix. Is it really meant to be "who was sick next to you"?

And if I have yeah I know I'm gonna be
Ma hash Anha astok (k'athgizikhvenari) sek (Anha) nesak Anha avekhak

no news

I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you
Anha avekhak mahrazh haz astok (k'athgizikhvenari) yeraan

K'athgizikhvenari belongs to the adverb place at the end of the sentence, after yer. Though I guess this might be misplaced with poetic freedom so that the pattern of ending with yer would hold.

Thus so far my conservative corrections would yield something like:
Arrek anha yathok, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin yathoe qisi yer
Arrek anha dothrak, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin dothrae yeri
Hash anha zhikhak, sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin zhikha qisi yer
Ma hash anha astok (k'athgizikhvenari), sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin astoe yeraan (k'athgizikhvenari)

[Hrakkar]

San athchomari yeraan ma athdavrazar, ma Qvaak!

Thanks for looking at this. I understand most of your reasoning on this, and will change it per your suggestions. (Somehow this grammar stuff needs to sink through my thick hrakkar skull!) This also helps shorten the lines a bit, which will help for the next step, which to attempt to set it to music

[Hrakkar]

Based on Qvaak's suggestions, here's version 2 of the song. I also caught a couple of my own mistakes!

The Proclaimers - I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
                  M'ek Anha (Mekken Karlina)


Verse 1
 
When I wake up yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha yathok, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin yathoe qisi yer


When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha dothrak, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin dothrae yeri


If I get drunk yes I know I'm gonna be
Hash anha zhikhak, sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin zhikha qisi yer


And if I have yeah I know I'm gonna be
Ma hash anha astok (k'athgizikhvenari), sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin astoe yeraan (k'athgizikhvenari)



Refrain
 
But I would walk 500 miles
Vosma anha laz ifak mekken karlina

And I would walk 500 more
Ma anha laz ifak mekken alikh

Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
Disse vekhak mahrazh haz if dalen karlina

To fall down at your door
Arthasak (zohhe) she yeri rahe


Verse 2

When I'm working yes I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha tak thikh, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin tak thikh chek (ha) yeraan


And when the money comes in for the work I'll do
Ma arrek vizhadi ha thikhaan anha atak

I'll pass almost every penny on to you
Anha azhak yeraan chir ei (vizhad)


When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha jadak okraan, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin essae okraan yeraan


And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
Ma hash anha vitisherak foz, sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin vitisherae foz ma yeroon


Verse 3
 
When I'm lonely yes I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha khezhak, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin khezhae oma yeroon


When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream
Arrek anha thirak atthiraride, sek, (anha) nesak anha (thirak) atthiraride

Dream about the time when I'm with you
(Thirak) atthiraride qisi kashi arrek anha ma yeroon


When I go out well I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha dothrak, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who's going out with you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin dothrae yeri


When I go home well I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha jadak okraan, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

I'm gonna be the man who's comin'in home to you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin vessae okraan yeraan

[Qvaak]

Alrighty. Trying to move on, chorus and the second verse. Hopefully I still have my head on my shoulders.

But I would walk 500 miles
Vosma Anha laz ifak mekken karlina

Yep, I don't think we know how to do "would" exactly. Laz is a pretty good approximation, ish being another possibility. I'd use future tense, however. The English version is kinda sorta future too, innit.
Karlina is the object of the sentence and thus should be in accusative. I mean, it could be in some other case or with a preposition, since I don't really know how Dothraki would handle doing ...quantities? but it should not be in bare nominative.
It's possible that ma anha and vosma anha would be more grammatically m'anha and vosm'anha, but even if that's the case, I'm sure you can go with the full ma and vosma in a song (if you don't need to cut syllables), and I feel here the not elided versions are better. If you go with my later suggestion to use me- prefixes (to tranlate infinites), which can't be un-elided (you can't say meanha, you must say m'anha), I feel full versions here make things a lot less messy. Though the whole mess would suggest my me- prefixation idea might not be the best.

And I would walk 500 more
Ma Anha laz ifak mekken alikh

Yep.

Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
Disse vekhak mahrazh haz if dalen karlina

You can front disse, but its natural place is at the end of the sentence.
But yeah, this is the challenge point of the translation. Frankly, I'm not even sure, if vekhat is that bad idea here. I would not use it, but something like Anni vekhak ven mahrazh fin if dalen karlin ("I am present as a man who walked thousand miles") might IMO be a decent path.
The another big question is how do you replicate the infinite-verb-as-an-object sentence structure of English. Dothraki has infinite verb forms, and we even know they can be inflected like animate nouns. But my bet is that Dothraki would do this again with a little bit heavier structure, comparing to how Khaleesi zala meme adakha esinakh ajjalan was transated to Dothraki from "The khaleesi wants to eat something different tonight."
I think I'd go with M'anha mahrazh fin if dalen karlin disse.

To fall down at your door
arthasak (zohhe) she yeri rahe

I don't think translating down is a good idea. "To fall down" is an english expression and translating it to just arthasat seems much stronger choice.
I'm guessing "rahe" is misspelled rhae, because I can't find the word, and rhae would make a lot sense. She gets the "onto" sense with allative, so rhae should be in that case, and also in plural, since it's an animate noun (says The Book - our vocab page was not up to date as of writing this): rhaesea.
Possessive comes after the noun and rhae is inalienable, so she rhaesea yeroon.
Going with the same translation scheme for the infinite, we get m'anha arthasak she rhaesea yeroon.

When I'm working yes I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha tak thikh, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

yep

I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin tak thikh chek (ha) yeraan

Still needs to be in third person: ta.
I'm not sure about the placement of chek, but I think it's best positioned as sentence final, being adverb and all.
Ha yeraan and bare yeraan are both good, but for the sake of suggesting stuff, I'll suggest haji yeroon. That's more abstract "because of" sort of relation that I feel jams well for the "on behalf of" or "in favor of" ...ish sense of "for".

And when the money comes in for the work I'll do
Ma arrek vizhadi ha thikhaan anha atak

I think we can fit a verb here. Jadolat seems good.
Here I feel you really should use haji. If ha works, it does so probably in ablative as "from".
We have also another reduced clause, relative this time, so all together I'd go with Ma arrek vizhadi jadoe haji thikhoon fin atak anha.

I'll pass almost every penny on to you
Anha azhak yeraan chir ei (vizhad)

We don't know enough to be sure, but from what we know, chir should not work. It's one of those verbal auxiliary thingies and so should not mean "almost" in the sense needed here. Maybe we could go with san instead of chir ei? It's not the same, but not too far off, IMO. Vizhadi goes to genitive then, and I would not deem it dropable.

When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha jadak okraan, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

yep

I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin essae okraan yeraan

I think this is good too.

And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
Ma hash anha vitisherak foz, sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha

Adjective as an object should not wash. We chould make it into "oldness", athfozar, and put it into allative, I think.

I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin vitisherae foz ma yeroon

Vitisherat is consonant-ending, so it's vitishera in third person.

Vosma anha laz vifak mekken karlin
Ma anha laz vifak mekken alikh
M'anha mahrazh fin if dalen karlin disse
M'anha arthasak she rhaesea yeroon

Arrek anha tak thikh, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin ta thikh haji yeroon chek
Ma arrek vizhadi jadoe haji thikhoon fin atak anha
Anha azhak yeraan san vizhadi
Arrek anha jadak okraan, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin essae okraan yeraan
Ma hash anha vitisherak athfozaraan, sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin vitishera athfozaraan ma yeroon

[Hrakkar]

Zhey Qvaak, thanks again for the good work you put into this. I'm going to make sure you are mentioned as having contributed heavily to this project!

I'm not completely sure I understand what you are talking about when using me to translate infinites. You might want to explain that a bit further.
Everything else makes sense, and you are seeing word applications that I am somehow not seeing. This is where a second pair of eyes really helps.

The translation of the second line of the second verse was one of the harder lines that I translated, and your ideas there are quite valuable. Especially that I missed having a verb in the sentence! One thing we both missed though, is atak needs to be in the genetive case, which effectively renders it an adjective.

The noun-ization of foz in the last line of the second verse should make that rather interesting to try and sing!

With these ideas in mind, I will work over the third verse tomorrow, and see if I can catch any of this stuff before you do. I can sense that my translation ability has improved, but still has a long ways to go!

[Qvaak]

One thing we both missed though, is atak needs to be in the genetive case, which effectively renders it an adjective.

No, I think this is a bit deeper misunderstanding. The way I handled atak it's a verb, namely first person future singular of tat. It's a direct translation of will do.
Maybe this will clarify (or confuse):

We were translating
the work I'll do
I identified a reduced relative clause, and since Dothraki does not do them reduced (at least not like English does), I basically went to tranlate an expanded version:
the work which I will do
Now, Dothraki relative clauses are a well understood but dodgy thing. If I wanted to say "I'll do it," I'd say
Anha atak mae.
But relative clauses use the old VSO word order. In this old word order (which you kinda can use anywhere, but must use on relative clauses) "I'll do it" is
Atak anha mae.
Of course in relative clause you need the relative pronoun, in English which instead of it and in Dothraki fin instead on mae. Note that fin is the accusative case of fini, because it's still the object of the sentence. Both in English and Dothraki relative clause follows the noun it modifies, and the relative pronoun is fronted and inherits the animacy of the noun it's modifying:
the work which I will do -> tikh fin atak anha.
This is the dodginess of relative clauses. Compare to a line we had earlier:
Ek anha mahrazhaan fin dothrae yeri
Here we have a relative clause in the deceptively familiar-from-English standard Dothraki word order SVO, but actually it's VSO with the relative pronoun fronted. It also seems like we are using the same relative pronoun (both have seemingly exactly the same fin), but actually because mahrazh is animate, so is the relative noun. Animate singular relative pronoun fin would be fines in accusative case. Inanimate relative pronoun fini is fin only in accusative case.

I'm not completely sure I understand what you are talking about when using me to translate infinites. You might want to explain that a bit further.

OK. I've done some more thinking and self-critique (since critique is otherwise sparce). uhh.
First, let's say, for the sake of brevity, that we're translating
I walk 500 miles to be the man who walked 500 miles to fall at your feet
I think that has all the parts we are really interested in.

Basically, I was unsure, how to deal with infinites and especially how to deal with "to be the man" part. When you have trouble translating some clever and snappy English syntax structure, one of the first questions is, can you open the syntax up into more ponderous, less clever syntax. I remembered the dialogue line
Khaleesi zala meme adakha esinakh ajjalan - The khaleesi wants to eat something different tonight.
A literal translation would be "The khaleesi wants that she eats something different tonight." I thought this was a good and authoritative road map for our translation. I'd use the clitic me-, which is Dothraki that in the conjunctive sense. I'd effectively translate
I walk 500 miles (so) that I am the man who walked 500 miles (so) that I fall at your feet into
Anha ifak mekken karlin m'anha mahrazh fin if mekken karlin m'anha arthasak she rhaesea yeroon.
Grammatically this was, I think, solid-ish option, though aesthetically it is a bit on the messy side, me and ma being so confusable. I should not have been, however, been so apprehensive about using Dothraki infinites. Digging to my memories, I think the reason for the use of me- in my dialogue bit was actually that zalat is a word with a wide meaning range, and that dictated the need for a heavier syntax.
We have infinite verb sentences as objects very briefly discussed at our wiki's syntax page under "small clauses". It's my own writing, so it's not super dependable, and I have yet to dig a good David-created example (best I came up quick was Chari anna zorat!). I think we can posit that infinites should not be inflected as nouns in these kind of situations (ie. should not be put in accusative) and are generally doing nothing weird. So we could easily go back to
I walk 500 miles (so) that I am the man who walked 500 miles to fall at your feet into
Anha ifak mekken karlin m'anha mahrazh fin if mekken karlin arthasat she rhaesea yeroon.
But do we get anywhere further? A part of the reason to flee from infinites to comfort of me- conjunctives was the problematic to be syntax. I don't see any easy way to translate that better.

[Qvaak]

And before you get to answer again, the final part of my correction/suggestion run:

When I'm lonely yes I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha khezhak, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

yep

I'm gonna be the man who's lonely without you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin khezhae oma yeroon

Khezhat is consonant-ending, so it's khezha in third person.

When I'm dreaming yes I know I'm gonna dream
Arrek anha thirak atthiraride, sek, (anha) nesak anha (thirak) atthiraride

Since the latter part is "I'm gonna dream," not "I'm dreaming," I'd use future, athirak.
I don't really think you can drop the (a)thirat. That's the verb of the sentence, and dropping the verb is usually kinda huge change, and Dothraki doing the zero-copula thing can make it even huger. Without the verb you are pretty much saying "When I live a false-life, I know I am a false-life". The dreamer becomes the dream.
Now, What I'd suggest is a trick lyrical text translators use a lot. When the original has repetition and the target language has a lot longer thing to say, break the expression between the original's repetition: "When I'm dreaming I know I'm gonna dream // Dream about the time when I'm with you" -> "When I live a false-life I know I'm gonna live // a false-life about the time when I'm with you."

Dream about the time when I'm with you
(Thirak) atthiraride qisi kashi arrek anha ma yeroon

yep

When I go out well I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha dothrak, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

yep

I'm gonna be the man who's going out with you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin dothrae yeri

yep

When I go home well I know I'm gonna be
Arrek anha jadak okraan, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha

yep

I'm gonna be the man who's comin'in home to you
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin vessae okraan yeraan

I don't really get the future in essalat. I mean, why not; it's not changing anything essential. However, "is coming" is most definitely present tense, though of course in that ...continuos ...or progressive (-ing) aspect? Admittedly, it is nasty that the second and third verse have these almost identical lines:
When I come home yeah I know I'm gonna be // I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
When I go home well I know I'm gonna be // I'm gonna be the man who's comin'in home to you
And it would be cool to maintain the difference. Now the translations of the first halves are identical and the second differ in this odd (albeit entirely harmless) small way.
Well, one small thing is the move from "yeah" to "well". We don't know many interjections, but I think gwe might be a passable enough approximation of "well". The other difference is the move from "come" -> "come back" to "go" -> "come". We could use elat for "go", jadat for "come" and essalat for "come back". This way we'd have:
Arrek anha jadak okraan, sek, anha nesak m'ek anha // Ek anha mahrazhaan fin essae okraan yeraan
Arrek anha ek okraan, gwe, anha nesak m'ek anha // Ek anha mahrazhaan fin jada okraan yeraan

All my current versions together:

Arrek anha yathok, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin yathoe qisi yer
Arrek anha dothrak, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin dothrae yeri
Hash anha zhikhak, sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin zhikha qisi yer
Ma hash anha astok (k'athgizikhvenari), sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin astoe yeraan (k'athgizikhvenari)

Vosma anha laz vifak mekken karlin
Ma anha laz vifak mekken alikh
M'anha mahrazh fin if dalen karlin disse
arthasat she rhaesea yeroon

Arrek anha tak thikh, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin ta thikh haji yeroon chek
Ma arrek vizhadi jadoe haji thikhoon fin atak anha
Anha azhak yeraan san vizhadi
Arrek anha jadak okraan, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin essae okraan yeraan
Ma hash anha vitisherak athfozaraan, sek, hash (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin vitishera athfozaraan ma yeroon

Arrek anha khezhak, sek, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin khezha oma yeroon
Arrek anha thirak atthiraride, sek, (anha) nesak anha athirak
Atthiraride qisi kashi arrek anha ma yeroon
Arrek anha dothrak, gwe, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin dothrae yeri
Arrek anha ek okraan, gwe, (anha) nesak m'ek anha
(Ek) anha mahrazhaan fin jada okraan yeraan

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Dothras chek!