After reading through this thread and seeing what you guys had so far, I decided to take a crack at translating this as well, based largely on the work you guys have done, but also looking at the original Greek text and the Latin version for comparison. Below is my translation and my justification for certain word choices. Please correct any grammar or vocabulary mistakes and suggest any alternative translations. Below my translation is my justifications for some of the translation choices I made.
1 Zhey ave kishi fin dothrae she asavva,
Oh father of ours who rides in the sky
2 vichomerates hake shafki,
may your name be respectable
3 jadates khalasar shafki,
may your horde come
4 vekholates/melisolates athzalar shafki,
may your hope(will) come to be/happen
5 ven she asavva akkate she sorfosor.
as in heaven also on earth
6 Azhas kishaan hadaenasshekhan asshekh;
give us today our bread intended for today;
7 m'azhas kishoa nemo echomosalat haji athfatizaroon,
and let us dishonor ourselves for our insolence
8 akkate kisha azhaki moroa rekaki fatie kisha nemo echomosalat;
as we let those who insult us dishonor themselves
9 ma vos idros kisha mr'athzirannithisezaraan,
and guide us not into temptation
10 vosma vijazeros kisha h'athmelaroon.
but rescue us from evil
11 hajinaan memra qora ma khalasar, m'athhajar, ma chomokh,
for you have in hand the kingdom, and the strength, and the honor,
12 ajjin m'ayyey
now and always
13 amen/sekosshi (me nem nesa).
amen/certainly (it is known)
1. I thought
dothralat compliments the translation of
khalasar for kingdom, as the Dothraki would likely see God as the
Khalof, so it makes sense that he would be riding up in the heavens with his khalasar, perhaps atop
Vezhof, who has been "tamed" by the new god and made his stead as a way of integrating the religion and transitioning from the old god to the new.
3.
Jadat best matches both the original Greek and Latin versions of the prayers, which use
ἔρχομαι and
veniō. Both mean
to come in a physical sense rather than
to become or
to come into being, which would be
γίγνομαι and
fīo. On top of that,
jadat compliments lines 1 and 3, paints a great mental image of God descending from heaven with his khalasar behind him, and, as Najahho said, creates a better cultural connection.
4. either
Vekholat or
melisolat work well here, I think, since both Greek and Latin use
γίγνομαι and
fīo here (
let thy will/desire come into being, happen, take place).
5. As previously stated, there are different ways to translate this comparison. Greek and Latin use
ὡς...καί and
sicut…et both translated as
so, as, just as, as…and, even, also. I personally like
ven…akkate (like…the same way).6-10. I According to David Peterson in Living Language Dothraki,
"the informal imperative is used for requests while the formal imperative is used for commands." Which we use I think depends on how the Dothraki speak to their khal. Would you ever use the formal imperative -- that is, demand something of/from your khal -- or would you always use the informal imperative -- that is, request something from him? My thinking is it would be the latter, and that's why I went with the informal imperative.
6. Without getting into what the heck
ἐπιούσον was supposed to mean in the original Greek (seriously, look it up, no one knows for sure since it only occurs this one time in the entire corpus of Koine Greek!), I chose to translate
daily bread as
hadaenasshekhan using the noun-noun allative compound, thus
"food intended for the day" (I originally had
havonasshekhan, but Qvaak convinced me that
hadaen would be more culturally appropriate than
havon).
*7-8. These lines were by far the hardest to translate. Firstly, I don't know if my grammar is correct here. Second, I used
nemo echomosalat for
to forgive (lit.
I dishonor myself) based on the example sentence under its entry in the vocabulary page (which doesn't appear to be properly conjugated there and doesn't list it as a possible definition in the main entry which makes me a bit weary of using it this way). Lastly, I choose to use the word
fatilat and form from it
athfatizar (insolence) based off one Spanish version of the prayer that says:
"perdona nuestras ofensas, como también nosotros perdonamos a los que nos ofenden."
"Forgive our offenses, as we also forgive those who offend us."
So
to offend = fatilat and
offense, insolence = athfatizar (as opposed to
fatikh, which would be
insult based on
elzat-elzikh).
*9. Translating temptation was also a challenge. I decided to take
ittelat and add the pejorative to form
ziritteselat = to tempt, and then nominalized it, so
athzirittesezar = temptation. I can see this word being formed many different ways, and admittedly I based my derivation off of Greek and Latin, which both derive their words for temptation from
πειράζω and
temptō meaning
to try, test, tempt.
10.
vijazerolat I think works well since the word in Greek here is
ῥύομαι, which does mean
to set free but also
to protect, guard; rescue, save. Latin uses
līberō, which has the meaning
to free, release; so
asserilat seems like a reasonable alternative to me. I also nominalized
mel to form
athmelar = evil, wickedness.Bonus:
11. Okay, I lied, THIS was the hardest line to translate. I don't know if Dothraki has a construction similar to english
yours is…, so I went with
mra qora.
Khalasar = kingdom was easy, but
power and
glory were not. Greek
δύναμις has the meaning of
power as in
might, strength, but also
authority, dominion, legal power; latin
potestās doesn't translate to power as in
strength, might, but to
authority, dominions, political power. It makes sense to me that the Dothraki would conflate physical strength with political power, though, so I chose to translate it as
athhajar. Greek
δόξα can mean
glory, honor, but also opinion, judgement, belief; while Latin
glōria can mean
glory, honor, fame. I chose
chomokh because it matched up with both the Greek and Latin, but glory is one of those fuzzy words whose meaning I just can't quite grasp, especially not in a religious contexts; so again, I can see many other possible translations for these words.
*12. I considered two possible translations for this line:
kashineak, a noun-adjective compound of
kashin and
neak (so
mra kashineakaan, "into the long time," i.e. eternity), or the phrase
evoon nakhaan (
"from the beginning to the end"). I personally prefer the latter. Again, though, I can see many ways of translating this.
13. The original
amen (Hebrew
"truly, certainly") can be kept here, or we could translate it into Dothraki as
sekosshi, or even
sekosshi me nem nesa!*edit:
-fixed lines 7 & 8 which were, as I suspected, grammatically incorrect.
-replaced
athzirittesezar of line 9 with
athzirannithisezar based off of a pejorative nominalization of
annithilat, meaning to entice.
- changed line 12 to
ajjin m'ayyey because it simpler, sounds better, and still gets the same idea across.
