Some poetry made of Dothraki

[Havazhyol]

M'kay, I sent questions to David about jalan and choyali.

Now new one :

Irge fitte athshilolar kishi akka, yer sholi zhores anhoon ma virsalay tawak/tawakes.

Chek, che vos?

[Qvaak]

Irge fitte athshilolar kishi akka, yer sholi zhores anhoon ma virsalay tawak/tawakes.

If you meant to say "A short back is even our meeting, you mark my heart with burning metal," then it's mostly correct
Shilolat has a past singular shilo, so it's shilo-lat, and thus is nominalized ath-shilo-zar. Sholat has a past singular sho, so it's sho-lat, and thus conjugates to sho-e. Virsalat has a past singular virsa, so it's virsa-lat, and thus conjugates to virsa-y.
Tawak is quite certainly an inanimate noun, as all mass-nouns should be inanimate. I guess that should be added to the vocab ... *sigh*. Nevertheless, if ma is used as a preposition ("with"), it assigns ablative, so tawakoon. Virsay functions like an adjective, so it follows the word it modifies and agrees with its non-nominative case: tawakoon virsaya.

Irge, as a noun, by all likelihood just means the body area between butt and shoulders. Not sure, what was the intention, something else most likely. Athessazar might serve.

[Havazhyol]

The first part :  not at all...

A good thing about my attempts is since I make all the mistakes possible, I might end up right some day (allative/ablative, "-at" verbs/"-lat" verbs, placing adverbs correctly, and so on and so on...).

I think one of my error here was to forget the genitive for athshilozar, so irge would mean after, not back (lombar part).

Irge fitte athshilozari kishi akka, yer sho zhores anhoon ma tawakoon virsaya.

Achekan?

Edit : Here is a copy/paste of David's answer about jalan and hoyali :

Jalan is an animate noun, and hoyali is an inanimate class B noun (so it's accusative is hoyale).

[Qvaak]

Jalan is an animate noun, and hoyali is an inanimate class B noun (so it's accusative is hoyale).

Good to know. Thanks.

Achekan?

Hahh. That itself is pretty cool. Took me much too long to get it. It's not exactly certain, but almost. 1) we know chek as an adverb, but it's quite likely to work as an adjective too, and if it does, then the comparative declination definately works. 2) even if it does not work as an adjective, adverbs like chek probably have comparative declinations, and it's likely they work the same as adjectives.

I think one of my error here was to forget the genitive for athshilozar, so irge would mean after, not back (lombar part).
Irge fitte athshilozari kishi akka, yer sho zhores anhoon ma tawakoon virsaya.

OK. That clarifies a bit. What still throws me off, though, is that fitte. Is it really just erraneously placed adjective for athshilozar, trying to say "a short meeting"? Or are you trying to do something else, perhaps "shortly after"?
Seems the line is aiming for about "Even after our short meeting, you mark[ed? ... you changed sholat into past tense?] my heart with burning metal," where the first part of the sentence is ...an adverbial phrase? Not sure of the terminology. I have no idea, if such structure works in the same unproblematic way as in English, or how it would work if not like that. I guess it's not really that different from, say loy asshekhi ajjin. Even simpler adverbs can be fronted if they are important setup for the rest of the sentence, so the placement as such should not be a big problem, at least.

[Havazhyol]

Hahh. That itself is pretty cool. Took me much too long to get it. It's not exactly certain, but almost. 1) we know chek as an adverb, but it's quite likely to work as an adjective too, and if it does, then the comparative declination definately works. 2) even if it does not work as an adjective, adverbs like chek probably have comparative declinations, and it's likely they work the same as adjectives.

Glad to see that I'm good on this one, it was kind of a blind try. Maybe adavran fits better.

Seems the line is aiming for about "Even after our short meeting, you marked my heart with burning metal,"

Yep, the fact that you found it might mean I'm (hopefully) improving. But I apparently need to work more on the beginning.

you changed sholat into past tense?

And yep again, it was an oblivion in the first place.

[Havazhyol]

M'athchomaroon !

Made some arrangements, added stuff, changed a little...

Anha nem allayafak affin Khaleesi anni ma anhoon disse
Irge athshilozari fitte kishi akka, anha vigererak yeroon sekke.
Affin anha dirgak yeri, zhor anhoon nem aggenda ki dirgi.
Sekke san vekhikhi anha zalak ha yeraan, zhey Khaleesi anni.

Ammemat ha charaan yeroon hoyale azheananazi,
Movelat krazaaj ei asshekh ha jin athjahakaroon haji shilat yera
Ayyatholat jalanes ei ajjalani, majin me nira shekhikhoon yeroon,
Kash anha ma yeroon, kash ei davrakh anni ;kash anha oma yeroon, kash vosi m'anhoon

Yer sho zhores anhoon ki hakesi yeroon ma tawakoon virsaya.
Zhey Khaleesi azheananaz ei Khaleesisoa.
Anha nemo avvemok hatif yeri k'athvichomerari


I hope I didn't forget any corrections... ( I wanted to say qvaakings, but it might sound teasing  no offense though)

I think I'm almost done with it.

(I noticed on the vocab that you added the animacy of jalan but not jalan qoyi. Since the harvest moon is just the name given to an observation of the moon, wouldn't it be animated too?)

[Qvaak]

I hope I didn't forget any corrections... ( I wanted to say qvaakings, but it might sound teasing  no offense though)

I think I'm almost done with it.

Ya. At least I can't help you much further. Fitte is still misplaced. Adjectives follow nouns, so athshilozari fitte kishi.

I noticed on the vocab that you added the animacy of jalan but not jalan qoyi. Since the harvest moon is just the name given to an observation of the moon, wouldn't it be animated too?

Yeah, well, not that I even noticed it when I made the update, but I'm not sure, what to make of those ..er.. fixed word compounds? They are not nouns, as far as I understand, though they of course contain nouns, so I think the error is in marking it n. - not in not marking is na.

[Gizikhven]

I know this is an old topic, but I had to say just how sweet it is. Lovely poetry. And tons of helpful notes.

[Havazhyol]

San athchomari yeraan ^^