Author Topic: The Atlas of the Dothraki  (Read 30896 times)

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Khal_Qana

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The Atlas of the Dothraki
« on: November 15, 2016, 08:38:05 am »
Hey everyone,

In my last post I talked a little bit about the stories of the Dothraki people that I have been writing. These stories are apart of a larger project idea that I had for the Dothraki community and I wanted to get some feedback from you guys.

My idea is to write a book, an atlas of sorts, about all the aspects of Dothraki culture. From traditional weapon making to constellations, this book will hold all the information about what makes the fearsome warriors  all that much more human. I wanted to get feedback from as many members of this community as possible, incorporating and expanding upon elements of a culture that you may want to be apart of the atlas, so that this isn't just some book of random things I made up and instead being something that was actually built from a community of people. This book will contain in depth descriptions, diagrams, pictures and instructions on pieces of their culture. Hopefully, if we work through enough legal tape, we could get GRRM to add some of his own content and maybe get this published too. I would love to see this come to life, and any critique, comment, volunteerment, or resources that you have will me much appreciated!

So far I have a list of ideas that could go into this book:

-oral tradition
-clothing
-paintings and tattoos
-jewelry
-traditional dance
-musical instruments
-childhood games
-hunting techniques
-khalasar hierarchy
-rituals
-family life
-regional differences
-weapons
-fauna
-battle tactics
-superstitions
-constellations/birth signs
-historic moments
-old traditions
-new traditions
-disease and apothecary
-dialects of the language
-enemies
-art and monuments
-taboos
-artifacts

I imagine this to be similar to the book Gnomes by Wil Huygen (a fantastic read) and I can't wait to see your guy's responses!


Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:13:02 pm by Choyosor »
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2016, 09:45:44 am »
Okay, so now I've laid out a few more ideas and have structured them in a much more coherent list. Again, feedback is very much requested!

Part one: Appearance of the Dothraki
•   Clothing
•   Jewelry
•   Cosmetics
•   Battle
Part two: People and societal structure
•   Khalasar hierarchy
•   Family life
•   Gender roles
•   Jobs and professions
Part three: The life of a Dothrak
•   Infancy
•   Childhood games
•   Toys
•   Apprenticeship
•   Ceremony of adulthood
•   Choosing a profession
•   Choosing a spouse
•   Children
•   Middle age
•   Retirement
Part four: Tools and techniques for life in a Khalasar
•   Musical instruments
•   Hunting techniques
•   Animal Husbandry
•   Migration patterns
•   Tent building
•   Horse rearing
•   Raiding villages
•   Weapons and weapon building
•   Trading and the barter system
•   Apothecary
•   Brewing alcohol
•   Making clothing
•   Basket weaving and pot making
•   Cooking
Part five: The rituals and culture of the Dothraki
•   Pregnancy rituals
•   Birthing rituals
•   Baptism
•   Circumcision
•   Constellations and Birth signs
•   Courtship and Marriage
•   Traditional Dance and Music
•   Oral tradition
•   Body paint and tattoos
•   Art
•   Superstitions and taboos
•   Old traditions
•   New traditions
Part six: Geography
•   Plants
•   Fauna
•   Terrain
•   Regional differences in Dothraki culture
•   Dialects of the Dothraki language
•   Holy lands
Part seven: The Struggles of Life
•   Enemies of the Dothraki
•   War
•   Battle tactics
•   Assassination
•   Deadly landscapes
•   Deadly plants
•   Deadly insects
•   Deadly animals
•   Diseases
•   Old age
Part eight: The legacy of the Dothraki people
•   Historical events
•   Influence on Essos
•   Artifacts and monuments



Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:13:26 pm by Choyosor »
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Hrakkar

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2016, 01:13:02 am »
VERY interesting project!

Unlike the Na'vi, you have a pretty broad base of data (books, TV series) to draw cultural assumptions from.

And I assume that you have GRRM's maps book.
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2016, 07:05:54 am »
The maps were really expensive so I just hand drew them. If you can see the faint penciled in lines dividing up Havazh Dothraki (since I had to drop the quality from 2000kb to 250), those are possible dialect borders I drew, in case I wanted to go all out and start evolving Dothraki standard

Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:13:57 pm by Choyosor »
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2017, 09:38:31 am »
First draft of the first fable written; How Men Learned to Ride Horses. The second draft will also be in english, and the third and fourth will be written in Dothraki. I hope you enjoy what I have so far:

How men learned to ride horses
Long ago, no men knew how to ride horses.  Men simply walked and ran, and hunted the horse like the other animals.  Men were miserable, for their feet were always blistered and the world too crowded; since everyone couldn’t be outside of walking distance of one another. Horses mocked man, and spat at their feet as they galloped by. Horses, however, are much dumber than men, and are much easier to trick. In the village of men, the king gathered his strongest and fastest hunters together, and told them to capture the king of horses for him.  The hunters were obedient, and went to the land of horses dressed in mares’ skins.  When they found the king, a big black stallion that stood at twice the height of the men, they used ropes to trip him as he ran and lassoed him by the neck.  They returned to their king with the great stallion in hand, and the king appraised their efforts. Taking the ropes that held the king of horse, he lept upon its back to try to wrestle him to the dirt.  The stallion kicked and ran, but the king of men held on to the ropes around his neck.  The stallion ran out into the world, as fast as the dusts storms, and passed across lands in a few seconds. Through forest, desert, and across water, the stallion tried his best to lose his rider, but the king was too strong and stayed on the king of horses back. The king of horses became wearier and wearier, until he came to a stop beside a river and fell into a deep sleep.  While the stallion slept, the king of men took the grasses along the river and weaved a saddle for himself. He fitted the ropes inside the mouth of the horse, and took shells to cover the eyes of the stallion.  The king of horses woke, and was so flattered by the gifts the king of men had made, he swore to be a loyal servant for the rest of time.  The king rode the stallion back to the village victorious, and taught all the other men how to make the saddles and reigns for the horses to wear. Soon, all men knew to ride horses, and rode their new servants across the world.

Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:14:28 pm by Choyosor »
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2017, 09:40:43 am »
Second fable; How our ancestors became the Dothraki.  This one is a lot more of a brainstorm, and may interfere with future canonical lore, so I will leave that on the shelf so to speak until Winds of Winter is published (if ever).


How our ancestors became the Dothraki
All men know how to ride a horse, but only the Dothraki need the horse.  This is because the horse and the Dothraki share hearts.  Long ago, a village of men traded hearts with their horses, using a black knife to cut into their chest and remove their hearts, still beating, from their chests.  The heart of the Dothraki is that of a horse, and this makes them stronger and faster than all other men.
 

Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:14:45 pm by Choyosor »
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2017, 09:43:08 am »
The third and comedic fable of The Butterfly and the Flower.  I will expand on it more, but the moral of the story is that strength is better than beauty:

The Butterfly and the Flower
A butterfly and a flower get into an argument about who is prettier. “I have many colors,” says the flower, “and have a good smell. Unlike you, butterfly, who does not smell good.”
“foolish flower,” says the butterfly, “you have no eyes, and cannot see that I too have as many colors as you. And who needs to smell good when you can fly?”

“Well my beauty can be returned to and admired at any time, since I do not move.” Says the flower.

“I can come to you if you wish to see my beauty,” says the butterfly “So there’s no need to walk all the way to you to see your beauty.”

Just then, a Dothraki comes to end the arguing. He crushes the butterfly and eats the flower, for they are both weak.

Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:15:00 pm by Choyosor »
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2017, 09:44:20 am »
I have about 20 other stories to draft, write and translate so there will be updates in the future.

Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:15:44 pm by Choyosor »
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2017, 11:43:04 am »
I have a problem with starting stories, and I think I need a prepositional phrase at the head of a fable to smoothly flow into the story. It needs to be similar to once upon a time, but I don't want to directly translate that phrase.  I want to give it a more Dothraki feel to it (more mystic and foreign). I have a few ideas, and input into what you consider the best one is wanted:

From a time
Kashoon

Upon a time
She kashi

From before our time
Hatif kashoon kishi

Within this tale
Mr'athastozar

From when this tale was true
arrekoon jin athastozar tawakoon


An example sentence:

Once upon a time, there lived three little pigs.

"Kashoon, sen qifi thirish."
"She kashi, sen qifi thirish."
"Hatif kashoon kishi, sen qifi thirish."
"Mr'athastozar, sen qifi thira."* / "Mr'athastozar, sen qifi."**
"Arrekoon jin athastozar tawakoon, sen qifi thirish."

*Since the prepositional phrase admits that this is a story and was never true, the following sentence can be set in the present tense.

**When thinking about it, the sentence could be zero copula, but I think that there isn't enough information present to let the reader know what's going on.  When I look at the sentence, I see: "Within this story, three little pigs.", but that could just be my English speaking mind overriding my understanding of the zero copula.


Let me know what you think of all this.

Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:16:11 pm by Choyosor »
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2017, 12:57:37 pm »
Fourth story, Lajak Gorje ma zhavvorsa, is an adaptation of the famous Saint George and the Dragon.  I'm fairly certain this story is in public domain, so no worrying about copyright violation  ;)


Lajak Gorje and the dragon

Once upon a time, there was a town on the edge of the Valyrian empire.  This town had a small lake with a plague-bearing Dragon living in it and poisoning the countryside.  To appease the dragon, the town’s people fed it two horses every day.  When they ran out of horses, they started feeding it their children, chosen by omen. One time, the khal's daughter was chosen to be eaten. The khal, in his grief, told the people they could have all his gold and silver and half of his kingdom if his daughter were spared, but the people refused.  The daughter was sent out to the lake, dressed as a bride, to be fed to the dragon.  However, Lajak Gorje, a brave Dothraki, rode past the lake and saw the princess.  The princess tried to send him away, but he vowed to remain. The dragon emerged from the lake while they were conversing, huge and hideous.  Lajak Gorje charged it on horseback, seriously wounding it with his arakh.  He then called to the princess to throw him her belt, and he put it around the dragon's neck.  When he did so, the dragon followed Lajak Gorje like a meek beast on a leash.  The princess and Lajak Gorje led the dragon back to the city, where it terrified the Valyrian people.  Gorje then killed the dragon, and the body was carted out of the city on four carts.  As a reward, Lajak Gorje was given the princess, and they rode off together to build their own khalasar. The khal built a temple to the Great Stallion and Lajak Gorje on the site where the dragon died, and a spring flowed from the lake with water that cured all disease.



Lajak Gorje ma zhavvorsa

[She kashi], Vaes vekhoon she Valiraki khalasar tith. Rek vaes mra qoroon toraza naqis ma zhavvorsoon athzhikhar thir mra mae ma izza rhaeshes.  Allayafat zhavvorse, voji vaesi azhish zhavvorsaan atak hrazef assekh ei.  Kash mori vo mra qora vosi hrazef, mori azhish maan yallisi mori; mori okkish yalli ki assikhqoyi.  At kashi, assikhqoyi okke khalakkies ha zhavvorsaan adakhat. Khal vaesi, mra athkhezhar mae, asto vojaan ma ast mori laz mra qora mas mae ei ma ohara mae, hash mori vijazerosh oharaes mae; Mori zajjish. Khalakki dothra torazaan, onde vos, majin zhavvorsa laz adakh mae.  Vosma, Lajak Gorje, Dothraki haj, dothra torazasi ma tih khalakkies.  Khalakki kis asso mae esemrasalat, vosma me akkelen vikovarerat.  Zhavvorsa yatho torazasoon kash mori vaster, me zhokwa ma vo lain.  Lajak Gorje gor mae, ild zhavvorse ma arakhoon mae.  Me asso khalakkies azhat maan im mae, ma me liwa mae oleth me torga lenti zhavvorsa.  Kash me et haz, zhavvorsa sille Lajak Gorje ven aresak.  Khalakki ma Lajak Gorje fichish zhavvorse vaesaan, ma jin rokh vojis.  Gorje drozh zhavvorse, ma dozgikh losh mra vaesoon ki tor rhaggati.  Voji azhish Lajak Gorjaan khalakkies m'athchomaroon, ma mori dothrash niyanqoy movelat khalasares mori.  Khal vaesi move vojjor ha Hrazef vezhvenaan ma Lajak Gorjaan she gach rekkoon zhavvorsa drivo, ma ashefa vitha ha torazasoon ma evethoon melaz kolae athzhikhar ei.

Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:16:27 pm by Choyosor »
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HoeriVezhof

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2017, 04:59:21 pm »
Interesting! I'm a bit busy this week but would love to look it over sometime.
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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #11 on: January 16, 2017, 10:20:04 am »
Bad news/ update:

Well clumsy me managed to break my new laptop while under a double layer of cushioning, so the writing of my drafts will be postponed until I get the screen fixed.  Once I have the story drafts written I'll move on to fleshing out the history and culture.

As of right now I have a plan of attack laid out. I haven't given myself duedates because I have to focus on school above anything else, but here's what I have planned so far:
  • Write the rough drafts of the fables
  • Write the rough drafts of the culture
  • Write the rough drafts of the history
  • Write the rough drafts of the miscellaneous information
  • Fact check fables
  • Fact check culture
  • Fact check history
  • Fact check misc info
  • Second draft fables
  • Second draft culture, history, and misc info
  • Rough draft translation
  • Second draft translation; peer edit
  • Final draft translation
  • Final draft fables etc.
  • Rough drawings of diagrams
  • Rough drawings of illistrations
  • Cleaner concept illistrations and diagrams
  • Possibly have concept drawings professionally finished (optional;unlikely)
  • Pencil in drafts to book
  • Pencil drawings into book
  • Final drafts inked, colored and cleaned up
  • Final product either saved as keepsake, or given in a sweepstake on this forum or r/conlangs

That's all for now.  I will keep you all updated as soon as progress is made! 

Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:16:52 pm by Choyosor »
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Khal_Qana

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2017, 12:11:07 pm »
New google docs

While I wait for my laptop to return, I think I'll just give a link to a new google doc where all of the stories I have so far are laid out and updated in real time. Once I have access to my laptop again, I'll do the work on the word document and make the changes to the google doc.  You can view and make comments on the google doc if you so please.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eOVPDS1NNw2dr83ZEG7a6CGggZMTxs37MV5ewgred-s/edit?usp=sharing


Disclaimer: All of this content is fan made material and does not claim to be apart of the canon universe established in the Game of Thrones or A Song of Ice and Fire franchise.  The work here will not be published or sold for monetary gain, and thus does not violate any of the copyright claims and trademarks that HBO, Bantam Books, or any other company have in the franchise.
« Last Edit: January 16, 2017, 12:17:13 pm by Choyosor »
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HoeriVezhof

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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #13 on: January 16, 2017, 05:58:08 pm »
Bad news/ update:

Well clumsy me managed to break my new laptop while under a double layer of cushioning, so the writing of my drafts will be postponed until I get the screen fixed.  Once I have the story drafts written I'll move on to fleshing out the history and culture.

Ouch! I hear ya, not 30 minutes ago I almost spilled a glass of orange juice all over my laptop, managed to catch by the rim of the cup with my pinkie and ring fingers, couldn't breathe for like two minutes from a near panic attack! Hope you're able to get your screen fixed soon!

As for the story, I looked it over and made some grammar corrections and suggestions.

[She kashi], Vaesi vekhoon she rhaesh tith Valiraki. Qisi rek vaes vekh tozarasi naqisa ma zhavvorsoon athzhikhar thir mra mae ma zhavvorsa fini fich athzhikhar thir memras m'izze rhaeshes. Allayafat zhavvorse, Yanqosor vaesi azh zhavvorsaan atak hrazef ei asshekh vallayafa mae.  Kash me vo mra qora vosi hrazef ale, me azhish maan yalle mae; me okke yalle ki assikhqoyi. Majin At kashi (che at asshekh che kash kashi?), assikhqoyi okke khalakkies vadakha zhavvorsa mae. Khal vaesi haji athkhezharoon mae, asto yanqosoraan m'ast morilaz mra qora mas mae ei ma ohara mae, mehash me avijazeroe (che vazhi khalakkies thirat) oharaes mae zhorre, hash me laz aqorasoe m'ei mas mae m'ei vizhad ma sachi rhaeshi mae; Vosma me zajje. Khalakki dothra tozaraan, onde vos nem vadakha ki zhavorssi.  Vosma, Lajak Gorje, Dothraki haj, dothra tozarasi ma tih khalakkies.  Khalakki kis asso mae esemrasalat, vosma me akkelen vikovarerat.  Zhavvorsa yatho mra tozarasoon kash mori vaster, me zhokwa ma vo lain vosso.  Lajak Gorje gor mae, ild zhavvorse ma arakhoon mae.  M'asso khalakkies azhat (che ovveth) maan ime mae, majin me liwa mae oleth me torga lenti zhavvorsoon (che me liwa mae ki lenti).  Kash me et haz, zhavvorsa sille Lajakes Gorje ven aresak (che filkay)(che Kash me et haz, Gorj javrath zhavvorsa ven enosh).  Khalakki ma Lajak Gorje fichish zhavvorse vaesaan, ma jin arrokh vojis yanqosores.  (Majin) Gorje oge zhavvorse, ma dozgikh nem losh mra vaesoon ki tor rhaggati. Yanqosor azh Lajakaan Gorjaan khalakkies m'athchomaroon, ma mori dothrash niyanqoy movelat khalasares mori amari vaes mori ma aqora rhaeshes mori zhorre.  Khal vaesi move vojjor okrenegwinvojjoran ma ha Hrazef vezhvenaan Vezhofaan ma ha Lajakaan Gorjaan she gach rekkoon finne zhavvorsa drivo, m'ashefa vitha ha tozarasoon m'evethoon fini melaz kolae ei athzhikhar.

Vekhat takes it subject in the genitive and determiners like ei always go before the noun. When it comes to title+name like khal and lajak, only the title is declined, not the name (see post "Names and Zhey's Uses"). yalli is inanimate, so its plural accusative should be yalle. Zhavvors is the accusative of zhavvorsa, coda -rs is acceptable since r is more sonorous than s and by the same token Gorj should be acceptable as well. Lastly, I think yanqosor or some other collective noun should be used here instead of voji since we're talking about a collective group, not a bunch of individuals, a distinctions many languages make and one I feel Dothraki would make because of the collective case. David Peterson was kind enough to let me know over twitter that purpose in clause-form is expressed by placing the clause in the future tense. e.g. "Anha dothra vaesaan aremekak" - "I rode to the city to sleep." I'll be sure to post that and the tweet for confirmation under "Expressing Purpose in Dothraki" later, but that's what's going on in "[A]ssikhqoyi okke khalakkies vadakha zhavvorsa mae." Lastly, Lake in Dothraki is tozara, not toraza, and I formed the word okrenegwinvojjoran since there is no word for "temple" in Dothraki.
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Re: The Atlas of the Dothraki
« Reply #14 on: January 16, 2017, 10:21:40 pm »
Quote
She kashi, Vaesi vekh she rhaesh tith Valiraki. Qisi rek vaes vekh tozarasi naqisa ma zhavvorsoon, fin fich athzhikhar, thir memras (rekke?) m'izze rhaeshes. Yanqosor vaesi azh zhavvorsaan atak hrazef ei asshekh vallayafa (allayafat) mae.  Kash me vo mra qora hrazef ale, me azh maan yallisis mae; me okke yalle ki assikhqoyi. Majin at kashi (Anha vo nesok. Anha za mae disat), assikhqoyi okke khalakkies vadakha zhavvorsa mae ki zhavvorsi. Khal vaesi haji athkhezharoon mae, asto yanqosoraan m'ast mehash me avijazeroe oharaes mae zhorre, hash me laz aqorasoe m'ei mas mae m'ei vizhad ma sachi rhaeshi mae; Vosma me zajje. Khalakki dothra tozaraan, onde vos nem vadakha ki zhavvorsi.  Vosma, Lajak Gorj, Dothraki haj, dothra tozarasi ma tih khalakkies.  Khalakki kis asso mae esemrasalat, vosma me akkelen vikovarerat.  Zhavvorsa yatho mra tozarasoon kash mori vaster, me zhokwa ma vo lain vosso.  Lajak Gorj gor mae, ild zhavvors ma arakhoon mae.  M'asso khalakkies ovvethat maan ime mae, majin me liwa mae zhavvors oleth me torga lenti zhavvorsoon.  Kash me et haz, zhavvorsa sil Lajakes Gorj ven aresak (che filkay)(che Kash me et haz, Gorj javrath zhavvorsa ven enosh).  Khalakki ma Lajak Gorj fichish zhavvors vaesaan, ma jin arrokh yanqosores.  (Majin) Gorj oge zhavvors, ma dozgikh nem losh mra vaesoon ki tor rhaggati. Yanqosor azh Lajakaan Gorj khalakkies m'athchomaroon, ma mori dothrash niyanqoy amari vaes khalasar (vineseri, zhey Gorj Dothraki, ma me mra qora khalasares) mori ma aqora rhaeshes mori zhorre.  Khal vaesi move okrenegwinvojjoran ma ha Vezhofaan ma ha Lajakaan Gorj she gach finne zhavvorsa drivo, m'ashefa vitha ha tozarasoon m'evethoon fini laz kolae ei athzhikhar.

I used vekh as a zero copula for some reason, even though vekhat is already a verb  ;D.

Is there a specific adjective order for Dothraki? If there isn't, then I prefer to have tith at the end of the descriptors; it seems to fit the flow better.

Why do you use Qisi?

Why did you put naqis in a verb form when it is simply describing the size of the lake, and not being stated?

What is memras and can it be replaced with rekke?

Why is allayafat in 3rd person sng. future tense?

Yalli is an animate noun, so the plural accusative /-(s)is/ would be applied.

Mas is just valuables, and would include silver.

Why did you change it to "half of his kingdom" instead of keeping the original "ohara" prize? The Dothraki aren't exactly known for their feminist views, so this change seems pointless to me.

Dothraki is the race of people, not a descriptor of what zhey Gorj does.  Besides, he was just established as a lajak and not a dothrak.

Could you explain what you meant with the "Che filkay" section in parenthesis?

Also, the confusion with tozara and toraza was just a typo.  For some reason my brain remembered it as the latter (better flow, I guess?)

Other than those notes, I'm very grateful for the time you put in to editing that. Haji!
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